The Founding Fathers Ask Us: “WTF?”

Read what they have to say in their own words — sort of.
PUBLISHED IN HOW PANTS WORK, A MEDIUM.COM HUMOR PUBLICATION
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​Our Dearest Progeny,
It’s us. The Founding Fathers. Ye know, the blokes with the powdered wigs and knee-breeches. We’re breaching (see what we did there?) the time-space continuum to implore you lot to stop buggering up the American system.

We wrote the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and other historical cack. We also put our pence where our pens were (no pun intended). We risked our very arses, along with our lives and fortunes, to unite the Thirteen Colonies, struggle to win the war for independence from Great Britain, and build a durable government framework for the new United States of America for ourselves and our posterity (that’d be ye lot).

Pat on the back time: We were bloody awesome. The British were being minging dicks. We had to chuse to accept tyranny or battle it. Some tossers said, “Ooh, it’ll be too arduous and perilous, can’t we just keep the King?” However, we chose liberty and fought for it — and we won.

Then we established a republican government incorporating the ideals of personal freedom, individual liberty, and democratic expression where people bestowed limited powers upon the state, not the other way around (though we did screw the pooch on that slavery and 3/5ths business; and with wommin voting). No one had ever attempted such a government before. No one has replicated one since. It worked reasonably well, with hiccups here and there, for 240 years. These United States became the most desirable, prosperous, and powerful nation in the history of this Earth.

Until you bloody gits bollixed it all up.

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