The Founding Fathers Ask Us: “WTF?”

Read what they have to say in their own words — sort of.
PUBLISHED IN HOW PANTS WORK, A MEDIUM.COM HUMOR PUBLICATION
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​Our Dearest Progeny,
It’s us. The Founding Fathers. Ye know, the blokes with the powdered wigs and knee-breeches. We’re breaching (see what we did there?) the time-space continuum to implore you lot to stop buggering up the American system.

We wrote the Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, and other historical cack. We also put our pence where our pens were (no pun intended). We risked our very arses, along with our lives and fortunes, to unite the Thirteen Colonies, struggle to win the war for independence from Great Britain, and build a durable government framework for the new United States of America for ourselves and our posterity (that’d be ye lot).

Pat on the back time: We were bloody awesome. The British were being minging dicks. We had to chuse to accept tyranny or battle it. Some tossers said, “Ooh, it’ll be too arduous and perilous, can’t we just keep the King?” However, we chose liberty and fought for it — and we won.

Then we established a republican government incorporating the ideals of personal freedom, individual liberty, and democratic expression where people bestowed limited powers upon the state, not the other way around (though we did screw the pooch on that slavery and 3/5ths business; and with wommin voting). No one had ever attempted such a government before. No one has replicated one since. It worked reasonably well, with hiccups here and there, for 240 years. These United States became the most desirable, prosperous, and powerful nation in the history of this Earth.

Until you bloody gits bollixed it all up.

After all the shite we endured to forge it for you; after all the painstaking consideration, contemplation, and deliberation that went into the design; after all that had transpired during the nearly quarter millennium since we did; you wankers decided it was time to take a pish on the entire bloomin’ design and all it has stood for and achieved.

You couldn’t bring yourselves to select a skullduggerous womyn to be President, so you decided instead to chuse a vainglorious numpty poxy rotter.

We ask: “How’s that working for you, ye gorblimey buggers?”

We suppose we cannot saddle all of you with the blame, after all, it was us who established the Electoral College (we had good reason and stand by it still), allowing a minority of you to chuse the gibbering barking mad knobbing twatwaffle.

We think it noble that the United States has grown to evangelize liberty, individual rights, world trade, free markets, and established an order of global security. But in less than a triennium, the bloody prat you inserted into the executive mansion has done more to destroy America’s honor and integrity and to diminish her interests abroad than the dastardliest of foes could ever have envisaged.

He has abused his office, received forbidden emoluments from foreign governments and the United States Treasury, ignored the express Constitutional powers of Congress, obstructed justice, and conspired with foreign powers for his advantage and to the detriment of the United States.

If only we had thought of a remedy if such malfeasance were to occur…oh, that’s right. We DID!

“The House of Representatives … shall have the sole Power of Impeachment.” We included these bloody words in the Constitution for this very reason. Then we added, “The Senate shall have the sole Power to try all Impeachments,” along with the ins and outs of the conduct and limitations of such a trial.

We INTENDED that these remedies WOULD overturn the previous election. We didn’t care if the offenses or removal procedures occurred during the first month, the last month, or any time in between of a president’s term. We didn’t, however, account for the House to be populated with an entire faction of servile curs, or the Senate commanded by manky arseholes.

The House of Representatives has thrice previously undertaken impeachment proceedings, and two of those three occasions were dubious. Yet, both of those proceeded to trial in the Senate in which the scoundrels were acquitted. This fourth case, for which we write to you today, could not have been a more compelling event for impeachment and conviction. Your Senators failed to remove the fanny-grabbing dullard who sits in the executive mansion. They have buggered the legitimacy of the Constitutional Republic we gave to you.

Your job now is to do what the mangy curs in the Senate lacked the stones to do; elect a new President — anyone with a pulse will do. Chuse Senators who have some bollocks (even the wommin among them) and even a jot of respect for themselves and the Constitution. Get it right. Remove the vermin there today before it’s too late to salvage all that we bequeathed to ye.

Be we forever yours,

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin, James Madison, Alexander Hamilton, and a bunch of guys whose names you do not know